Local Man’s Political Opinions Now Legally Considered a Threat to Dinner Parties

MILWAUKEE, WI — In a landmark decision handed down by the Wisconsin Department of Social Stability, the unsolicited political opinions of 42-year-old forklift operator Terry Gunch have officially been classified as a “Class B Dinner Party Disruption.”

The ruling comes after a string of gatherings ended in wine spills, emotional flashbacks, and at least one vegan throwing a meatloaf.

“Every time Terry opens with ‘I’m just asking questions,’ someone ends up crying into a quiche,” said dinner host Marlene Underwood, still recovering from last week’s Moderately Casual Lasagna Night. “He once blamed inflation on oat milk and dental hygiene.”

The Gunch Doctrine

Terry’s conversational hits include:

“I read somewhere that wind turbines give birds anxiety.”

“The Founding Fathers never intended for women to own podcasts.”

“I identify as fiscally horny.”

According to party attendees, Terry’s comments tend to begin with “I’m not political, but…” and end with everyone checking their phone at once.

New Legal Designation

Under the new classification, Terry must:

Sit at the kids' table during all gatherings with more than six people

Begin every sentence with the phrase “This is just my poorly-informed opinion…”

Wear a decorative ankle monitor that flashes red when the words “woke,” “deep state,” or “reverse racism” are detected

A neighbor has volunteered to create a safe zone at family cookouts, marked by a cone labeled "Terry-Free Conversation Area."

National Reaction

The ruling has sparked hope nationwide. A growing movement—#BanterBoundaries—seeks to protect small talk from invasive rants on monetary policy and obscure conspiracy podcasts.

Terry, for his part, claims he’s the victim of cancel culture. “You can’t silence the truth,” he said, shirtless on his porch, holding a Slim Jim like a microphone.

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